Yesterday I was sent to my room for being an argumentative cranky slave. I’d reached the end of my tether, so there I was, hooves dug in to the deep earth, head down, backing out as hard as I could. There was N, holding on to the headstall and crooning to me, coaxing me, shaking the bucket of oats and murmuring “Just a little farther, tora. Just a little farther.”
Uh-uh. Ain't goin'. Oh, you have apples over there?
I might have said it before, but I’ll say it again: It’s just N and I. There isn’t anyone we can reliable count on to have our backs, other than each other. While I’m cool with N having me to rely on, I don’t want to burden Him with all of me. And really, I want both of us to have a breather space where we can just step back, take a deep breath, and have room to hug. That’s not our reality right now, and I was harshly reminded of it the other day. I looked into the future and realized that it won’t get any better. I’ve seen a lot of people come and go through my life, and N’s always been there. While we can depend on each other, there isn’t anyone we can depend as a couple.
It can be a bleak life at times. We don’t go out much. We don’t have folks in. Its hard to celebrate big dates. Its hard to find times for us as a couple. Its hard not to let life grind us to dust.
Somehow He always manages to coax me into going a little farther. He can convince me life is better just beyond that hill, just beyond that month. He soothes me and tells me that if I just lean on Him, let Him lead, if I trust He knows the way, we’ll get by.
He’s been right each time. I haven’t died. I haven’t even lost my mind that much.
So yeah, He might be the only person I can rely on, the only person who is down to ride n die with me. And you know what? He just might be the only person I need. Because I sure as shit don’t have anyone else, and yet I thrive, grow and live underneath His thumb.
Each time I dig my hooves into this black gumbo earth, it takes Him less time to soothe me back to complacency. I’m hoping that at some point before He dies I’ll learn to just keep plodding along and not need the full stop snitfit anymore.
I really don’t like timeouts. I also don’t like when He charges at me from across the room. I’m sure those are also pretty convincing reasons to stop.
So in honor of being the only people we can rely on:
Nothing Else Matters by Metallica
So close, no matter how far
Couldn’t be much more from the heart
Forever trusting who we are
and nothing else matters
Never opened myself this way
Life is ours, we live it our way
All these words I don’t just say
and nothing else matters
Trust I seek, and I find in you
Every day for us something new
Open mind for a different view
and nothing else matters
never cared for what they do
never cared for what they know
but I know
So close, no matter how far
Couldn’t be much more from the heart
Forever trusting who we are
and nothing else matters
never cared for what they do
never cared for what they know
but I know
Never opened myself this way
Life is ours, we live it our way
All these words I don’t just say
Trust I seek, and I find in you
Every day for us, something new
Open mind for a different view
and nothing else matters
never cared for what they say
never cared for games they play
never cared for what they do
never cared for what they know
and I know
So close, no matter how far
Couldn’t be much more from the heart
Forever trusting who we are
No, nothing else matters
alwayshistora 