A little background before I move on to the main premise:
As a child I was fairly submissive, eager to please, and easily cowed. I was a happy child, but it didn’t take much to have me positive bad things would happen to me if I didn’t listen to whomever gave me orders. I lived in situations where this “natural” submission was consistently abused and over-used…and as I grew older it got worse. I routinely caved to the unhealthy and downright vicious demands of some of those around me, right up until I slashed one of my constant assailants with a steak knife after being cornered in the kitchen one time too many. After a few more incidences like that I began to build a new persona; a loud-talkin’ in your face bitch who was down to scrap and didn’t take shit from anybody. I drank, I smoked, I did bad things with boys way before it was considered okay. I created some pretty fuckin’ thick walls to keep everyone out of the really soft weak spots of my brain that still looked for peace in submission. I had learned submission was nothing but a flaw, a fault to be used against me. Those walls, those protection measures, have become more fortified and dangerous with time.
On a thread on Fetlife today there was a discussion about whether property is default dominant, and also whether properties have self-protection mandates. While discussing this with some very interesting, thought-provoking people I started to feel a bit of unease. Talking to some very submissive people, discussing examples of others…I started to wonder if I am really submissive anymore.
Very few people would even accept the description of submissive when talking about me. You’ll hear bitch, cunt, loud-mouth, abrasive and weird (among other, more colorful phrases) from the folks who aren’t fond of me . To those who are close to me you’ll hear I’m tenacious, loyal, loving with a tendency to turn vicious if badly hurt.
It is that last line that fucks with my definition of submissive. I can hardly be submissive if I go through life gladly mauling (mentally or physically!) the people who trod on me, try to hurt me, or use/abuse me. I understand the whole “submissive to one, not to all” theory, and yeah, it works for me, but a long time ago I defined myself as a normally submissive person. Now, not so much, I’m just about as likely to let someone walk on me, take advantage of me, or to go out of my way to please a random stranger beyond my comfort than I am to walk naked through the corridor of an ol’ folks home. there’s a happy mental image for ya.
So I guess I am wondering if I have let my normal submissive tendencies atrophy, if they have gone into hiding, have then been narrowed into a spotlight focus on N. Or, most distressingly, was the act I put on so good at hiding my submissive nature that I have convinced myself of my non-submissive stature? Has the actress become the character?
I don’t have the answers. A new friend kindly gave me some supportive statements to chew on, but I haven’t been able to determine top and bottom, left and right in my mental maelstrom. I’ll get there the same way I always do, in typical Taurean fashion by plodding, methodical work and steady bull-headed *:)* determination.
I hate “Who are you, really?” questions. Rullyrully.