Let’s Clear a Few Things Up

  • I was majorly crazy before, I’m still somewhat crazy now, and I am okay with that. I’ve made a lot of progress. And I am not afraid to say the word “crazy” in reference to myself.
  • I go a few days to a week without an orgasm and haven’t died from it. Hell, I still have a strong sex drive. This doesn’t make my Owner an Asshole who ignores His greatest treasure. This makes Him an Asshole who gets off on denying me something.
  • I had a very dysfunctional relationship with orgasms when I started to date N. I couldn’t reach them due to a mental block. After a while, I could have them, but they were painful. I now have them plentifully and do not find it an affront to my past that they are controlled.
  • My Owner will freely admit that He is an Ass. My pet name for Him is Asshole. We are okay with this and don’t care if you aren’t.
  • I am not the center of my Owner’s universe and not only understand that but accept it.
  • I am a bisexual slut who lives monogamously and my psyche hasn’t imploded yet.
  • I don’t envy my Owner’s job of owning me.

tora Trivia (03-24-2010)

i figured for this go around, i’d share some random tidbits of useless information about me. This is your cue to click the red x in the right upper corner of your screen if i bore you. 🙂

  • i am cross-hand dominant. No, this does not mean i am more likely to beat you with my left hand than my right. It means that i am right handed and my left eye is my dominant eye. This causes problems when doing hand-eye intensive activities such as firing weapons, beading and throwing the ball. It’s something you can teach yourself out of, i normally just work around it.
  • i love to eat most kinds of sushi (nigiri and edo style) but i cannot stand to eat cooked fish.
  • i like dogs. As long as they belong to someone else.
  • i am an ex-cutter, and unlike most ex-cutters into BDSM, i hate the idea of scarification and any activities involving cutting or scratching me.
  • i used to speak German.
  • i conquered my years-long battle with Major Chronic Depression without resigning myself to use of long-term drugs.
  • i have 8 siblings, 2 full-blooded and 6 half-blooded, but i am only in touch with the two full-blooded siblings.
  • i have a fear of horses, but i am learning to ride.
  • i love bagpipes. Music centered around bagpipes makes me shiver and melt.
  • Arrogant Dominant people make me smirk and want to push their buttons to see how long before they explode. Confident quiet Dominants make me a little wobbly in the knees and more eager to please.
  • i have written 1/4 of a novel, but i am not sure i will ever finish it.
  • i am not particularly crushed by disappointing my Owner. If beaten over the head with the concept, i am more likely to care less about the disappointment and more about wanting to beat the hell out of whoever is lecturing me about it.
  • i was a druggy geek in middle and high school. i spent most of my senior year drunk or recovering from being drunk. i still graduated with honors.
  • Even in a committed O/p relationship, i am afraid of being released for lack of beauty or usefulness.
  • Being forced near a spider will make me cry.

There. Don’t you wish you had closed the screen when i warned you earlier?

If you want to know anything more about me, i’ll answer. Just ask! The only thing off limits are specific questions about the rugrats (what are their names, what do they look like) and questions meant to “out” me or the family. Other than that, anything goes!

A little fun (11/16/2010)

I was stoking the woodstove this morning, cussing under my breath at the log that wouldn’t light on fire, and my mind started wandering. It does that so much I rarely ever expect it home anymore…

There are parallels to slavery and stoking a woodstove. Seriously!

Top Ten Ways Slavery is Like Using the Woodstove:

  1. It takes patience. Lots and lots of patience. Starting a fire from scratch is not something that can be rushed.
  2. Without a good foundation, the fire will never meet its full potential. When you start a fire on top of ash, you can’t just lays logs down and toss a match in…you have to build it cross-wise on the bottom row of kindling, lengthwise on the next. Fire needs to breathe.
  3. I need to re-mention patience.
  4. Remember the raw materials. Some woods burn better at different temperatures, some create a lot of by-products, some are slow to start but burn forever. Knowing your material is half the battle.
  5. Fine-tuning the combustion process takes balance and close observation. It’s an intricate dance between the fresh air intake and the flue damper. Open the air too much with an open flue and the fire will burn out before you ever benefit from it’s creation. Open the air but choke the flue down, you’ll never have an established fire…it will just smolder and smoke you out. If you close down the air but leave the flue wide open, your fire will listlessly scorch the wood and little more.
  6. Working with a woodstove becomes less and less difficult the more you become accustomed to it’s nature.
  7. There is a sense of satisfaction in seeing a good roaring fire in your woodstove, feeling its heat and knowing that you are the one that helped create it.
  8. It takes plenty of dedication and planning to efficiently utilize a woodstove. Many scoff at the old-fashioned nature of this practice, what with the modern age and all, but the experienced woodstove user will know that a little work can do a body good.
  9. A smart woodstove owner will do research and know what the woodstove’s capabilities, requirements and maintenance needs are.
  10. Because it needs to be said again: PATIENCE!

So there you have it. A little old-time wisdom from this tired, soot-smeared slave. 🙂

Another bullet list (04-30-2010)

In trying to revamp my positive mental process, i’m compiling a few lists for my Owner. Those of you playing the home game will learn a few things about Him! 🙂

10 Things i will always remember about N:

  1. The way He rubbed my shoulder with His thumb and stroked my hair while i waited to be taken back to the pre-op room for my gallbladder removal surgery. i was so nervous, so scared, i felt miserable. The little acts He did in that packed waiting room brought me back to center and helped me hold it together until they gave me the drugs that sent me off to lala land.
  2. When He leaned up against me while i was in labor with our firstborn and cried with me. i was in agony and couldn’t take anymore, and He was so scared, honestly afraid for my life. He shared His fear with me, showed His deep love for me, was vulnerable for me. He cried with me, holding me, and i found a little more strength and stamina to make it past the pain long enough to birth our son.
  3. He brought my cat to visit me after His shift ended while i was locked in the loony bin for a week. He made sure to tell me He missed me and that He wasn’t going to leave me while i was away.
  4. How He lectured me after i was put on short-term bedrest with our third son. i’d never felt someone loved me and wanted me enough to ensure i took great care of myself.
  5. How patient He is with me when He’s trying to teach me to do some kind of manual labor involving vehicles or equipment. The fact that He is so kind and patient with me makes learning the task possible. i’m terrified of large equipment, yet i know how to drive our tractor. All because of Him. 🙂
  6. How He took the time to hug me and whisper that i looked beautiful the day of our wedding as i was 7 months pregnant and unbelievably swollen because of the brutal heat. i had just wanted to cry and cancel the wedding, feeling like a beached whale, and He brought me close to His chest, so stunning in His tux, telling me that i was so beautiful and He was a lucky man to have met me.
  7. The fact that He lets me keep my superstitious NewAge religion, even though He believes that all religions are bunk.
  8. His persistence and adamant refusal to let my occasional crazy dismantle our relationship.
  9. How obvious it is that He loves our children.
  10. His dedication to providing the best He can for His family.

Last one, i promise:

10 physical things i love about my Owner:

  1. His eyes: Light blue and clear, sharp and expressive. i can read everything from them, the crinkle as He smiles, the slitted appearance when He’s thinking hard or He’s angry, the sparkle as He contemplates a challenges.
  2. His full sensual lips: those lips can do a lot of deliciously depraved things to me. They are full and soft, they shape my name to His voice, they ignite my skin under their teasing nibbles.
  3. His sinewy body: The Man is scrawny. i love it. Not because i think a guy needs to be thin to be hot. Nope, i’ve got crushes on a few solid guys. i love how His scrawny body hides a lot of strength. i’ve seen Him take on an ex Army Ranger and stomp the guy in an arm-wrestling competition without breathing hard. He can pick my fat ass off the ground, He tosses 110-pound bags at work, He routinely makes me feel very small and weak, which is no small feat. Such hidden power, and He doesn’t flaunt it, it’s like He’s stealth. It’s freakin hawt.
  4. His hands: Large, long and rough, they can break kindling without second thought, yet they can caress my neck with the most gentle of touches. Both pain and pleasure come from His calloused, scarred hands. You can tell a lot about a person my their hands.
  5. His innate sense of balance: He’s like the Knockem clown doll- He rarely falls over and never stays down. He jumps off of stuff, jumps onto stuff, walks over/under stuff, and He rarely gets hurt. He doesn’t even think about it, He is just constant motion.
  6. His back: Smooth and strong, nothing but ropy, wiry muscles. Watching the shift and slide under the thin cotton of His shirt, feeling them play under my hand as He looms over me, yeah.
  7. His shoulders: broad and strong, slightly stooped. The hollow where His shoulder join meets His chest is just perfect fro my cheek to rest.
  8. The freckles across the back of His shoulders: Two reasons. The first is that when they show up it’s a clear sign of summer. The second is that i love to run my fingers along them in a sensuous connect the dots.
  9. His chest: Deep and broad, i love to hear His voice rumble out of it, or better yet, His uninhibited laughter. He doesn’t laugh as often as i wished, but when He does, it is a completely infectious sound.
  10. What He does to me in the privacy of His home, and the body parts He does them with. 😀 What, did you think it was going to be a kiss/suck and tell?!