Well Wasn’t That a Big Oops

I’m sure most of you know that I have been struggling with what I thought was a lingering cold, that had ramped right off the tail end of the stomach flu near the middle of December.

I’m also sure that most of you have heard “nurses make the worst patients”.

I’m proof of that saying. Fuck.

I figured I had a lingering cold. It was a deep hacking cough that made me retch from time to time, but Delsym and Mucinex enabled me to keep on chugging. Sure, I was exhausted, but that was just because I wasn’t sleeping so well at night. Sure, I was getting slower and slower going up the stairs, or rushing from one class to the next, but hey, maybe that was because I was *tired*. Yeah, I was hocking up yellow junk, but I recently read a report indicating that even with the presence of green and/or yellow phlegm, antibiotics don’t really do shit. So I talked myself out of the possibility of bronchitis, didn’t tell N that I was having a hard time making it up the stairs in the morning, hid how much Delsym I was taking, never mentioned the exhaustion, and withdrew from a large part of the world because I felt limited. I stopped going to the gym when my heart rate soared to 160 bpm just 5 minutes into a light warmup. I stopped wanting to go out when I realized people looked at me like I had tuberculosis when I was out shopping and had a coughing fit. No lie…I had people in class move when I couldn’t stop coughing.

The most embarrassing, and probably the clincher, was when I started having stress incontinence problems when I coughed. That’s right bitches, nothing says sexy at 30 like having to wear Poise out in public.

I’m not sure how many of my readers realize this, but I don’t have medical insurance. The policy offered through N’s work to cover us both would eat up nearly a quarter of His take-home pay per month. I’m kinda winging it, treating myself for what I can and praying for the rest. I just need to make it though the next two to three years, and then I can secure a job that offers me my own, slightly more affordable policy.

Knowing that I don’t have insurance really makes me find ways to squirm out of seeing a doctor. Eventually I couldn’t squirm out of it anymore, and I took advantage of my school’s free-one-visit-to-the-local-clinic program and headed out to the doc.The visit is free, any lab work, pharmaceuticals or therapies are out of pocket

The conclusion was: Asthamtic Bronchitis. The fatigue and exhaustion were a combination of lower oxygen saturation, bad sleep from congestion and coughing, an infection and the inflammatory response. The phlegm was stuck in the lungs because my airways were too inflamed to let it all out. I was an idiot for letting it go on so long. I was given a scrip for prednisone to end the inflammation, albuterol inhaler for ease of breathing/coughing, and an antibiotic to stop anything breeding in the dregs of my stiff lungs.

The cost of the medication alone made me feel like a complete and utter dipshit.

What does this have to do with O/p? Well, quite frankly, it illustrates how I failed to uphold my end of the transparency deal. I didn’t tell N when I was really hitting rock bottom. I kept lying to myself, because if I lied to myself, not only does it not seem so bad, but I get the added bonus of not lying to Him. In my efforts to keep what I viewed as annoying BS out of His life so He didn’t have to worry about it, I let myself fall far apart and needed twice as much work to fix. I took it upon myself to filter information, which is never supposed to be my responsibility.

I don’t know if He trusts me now not to lie about my health. I don’t deserve the trust, but who knows?

So that’s what I have been busy doing. Recovering and feeling like the fool.

Faith, Assurance, Confidence, Expectation

Figured out what all those words in the title have in common? No?

Go work on it for a few more minutes. I’ll wait. Here’s a hint:

"Don't worry, we got...oooh, free ice cream!" *THUD*

Alright, here’s the barebones: those words are all synonyms for trust. A fun subject to navelgaze about.

Trust is often touted as the bedrock of any BDSM relationship, the cornerstone of D/s relationships. Go into the submissive twats group, you can’t swing a dead cat without hitting five threads cryin’ about how some dumb cunt trusted some guy (or rarely, some girl) they knew for maybe three months with ___________ (choose from finances, sexual health, mental health, physical safety, sensitive information, picture/video/explicit emails, children, pets, potted plants) and that ebil ebil asshole (or rarely, ebil ebil cuntmuppet of a bitch) totally fucked them over. It ends up always being the D’s fault, and never the s’s fault, because, well, they trusted the D, and the D is mentally damaged for not treating that trust like it is the fucking Holy Grail of modern-day relationships.

I have a huge problem with this scenario. Actually I have a few huge problems.

  • These deficient dimwits trust someone they have known for less than a tenth of their lives with something hugely important. Or even more deranged, something that shouldn’t be a near strangers job to handle. Oh, mental illness is a great one for this. “I have BPD and let my Owner of two weeks start weaning me off of my meds (He says they are suppressing my true personality and impeding my profound submission) and now my whole life has fallen apart and He won’t return my calls.” Can you spot the really wrong things in that scenario? They force the formation of intimacy and trust, practically throwing it at any D-type that stops moving for a minute, and then wail when it turns out wrong, never admitting that it is their own fucking haste that lets them down each time, not the passer-by D.
  • They don’t value their trust worth shit. Yeah, yeah, they’ll tell anyone dead or alive that their trust is a fucking gift, that it is gold-plated and diamond encrusted, but they will lob it like a fuckin’ radioactive grenade the minute someone asks if they are interested in fucking. Look, if you are going to hand that shit out like dented cans at a dollar store, you know it isn’t worth anything, or you’d hoard it up, selectively dole it out, evaluate the recipient and seriously reflect on whether the trust is earned.
  • The most lol-worthy of this group of morons are the whiners who insist that they have no responsibility for who they lend trust to, and therefore are innocent of all breaches of said trust. They will like to quote stupid phrases like “The heart wants what the heart wants” or “I was so taken by the rush I couldn’t believe what was happening until much too late”. They read too many Harlequin novels and should be avoided at all costs unless one needs an amusing diversion.

Here’s how I do trust in this relationship: I trust N to a point. My trust comes with with certain restrictions. The biggest one is that He’s human. Humans make mistakes, are not infallible, and have been known to occasionally do things without assessing the risks correctly. So I give Him my trust, knowing that He will invariably fuck up from time to time. Because I have not placed Him in a nice ivory tower, His falls from grace don’t damage the trust placed in Him nearly as badly as those who chuck the whole package at the first guy to respond to their Fet profile.

I trust N to do what He will to get what He wants. I trust that He will hurt me sometimes, physically and mentally, and that He will help me put the pieces back together if He breaks me too much. I trust that He will be selfish, do the opposite of what I expect Him to do, fuck me over for amusement, hold me when I freak out, make me love Him when I want to hit Him.

I feel fairly safe trusting Him with all of that because we have brushed up against hell, had each others backs for years. I have seen Him under pressure, I have tested His mettle, poked and prodded at His brain, and I determined He’s a trustworthy man. He continues to prove that time after time.

Is our O/p relationship built on trust? I don’t think so. I would say it’s built on respect,I’d say yes, but not in the same way most people expect. Our O/p relationship is built on our trust in ourselves to pick a worthy and respectful partner to hitch up with. Trust in my ability to assess His character and abilities, respect, fear, and love.

Of course, YMMV.

 

 

C’mon Bessie, Just a Little Farther

Yesterday I was sent to my room for being an argumentative cranky slave. I’d reached the end of my tether, so there I was, hooves dug in to the deep earth, head down, backing out as hard as I could. There was N, holding on to the headstall and crooning to me, coaxing me, shaking the bucket of oats and murmuring “Just a little farther, tora. Just a little farther.”

Uh-uh. Ain't goin'. Oh, you have apples over there?

I might have said it before, but I’ll say it again: It’s just N and I. There isn’t anyone we can reliable count on to have our backs, other than each other. While I’m cool with N having me to rely on, I don’t want to burden Him with all of me. And really, I want both of us to have a breather space where we can just step back, take a deep breath, and have room to hug. That’s not our reality right now, and I was harshly reminded of it the other day. I looked into the future and realized that it won’t get any better. I’ve seen a lot of people come and go through my life, and N’s always been there. While we can depend on each other, there isn’t anyone we can depend as a couple.

It can be a bleak life at times. We don’t go out much. We don’t have folks in. Its hard to celebrate big dates. Its hard to find times for us as a couple. Its hard not to let life grind us to dust.

Somehow He always manages to coax me into going a little farther. He can convince me life is better just beyond that hill, just beyond that month. He soothes me and tells me that if I just lean on Him, let Him lead, if I trust He knows the way, we’ll get by.

He’s been right each time. I haven’t died. I haven’t even lost my mind that much.

So yeah, He might be the only person I can rely on, the only person who is down to ride n die with me. And you know what? He just might be the only person I need. Because I sure as shit don’t have anyone else, and yet I thrive, grow and live underneath His thumb.

Each time I dig my hooves into this black gumbo earth, it takes Him less time to soothe me back to complacency. I’m hoping that at some point before He dies I’ll learn to just keep plodding along and not need the full stop snitfit anymore.

I really don’t like timeouts. I also don’t like when He charges at me from across the room. I’m sure those are also pretty convincing reasons to stop.

 

So in honor of being the only people we can rely on:

Nothing Else Matters by Metallica

So close, no matter how far
Couldn’t be much more from the heart
Forever trusting who we are
and nothing else matters

Never opened myself this way
Life is ours, we live it our way
All these words I don’t just say
and nothing else matters

Trust I seek, and I find in you
Every day for us something new
Open mind for a different view
and nothing else matters

never cared for what they do
never cared for what they know
but I know

So close, no matter how far
Couldn’t be much more from the heart
Forever trusting who we are
and nothing else matters

never cared for what they do
never cared for what they know
but I know

Never opened myself this way
Life is ours, we live it our way
All these words I don’t just say

Trust I seek, and I find in you
Every day for us, something new
Open mind for a different view
and nothing else matters

never cared for what they say
never cared for games they play
never cared for what they do
never cared for what they know
and I know

So close, no matter how far
Couldn’t be much more from the heart
Forever trusting who we are
No, nothing else matters