Faith, Assurance, Confidence, Expectation

Figured out what all those words in the title have in common? No?

Go work on it for a few more minutes. I’ll wait. Here’s a hint:

"Don't worry, we got...oooh, free ice cream!" *THUD*

Alright, here’s the barebones: those words are all synonyms for trust. A fun subject to navelgaze about.

Trust is often touted as the bedrock of any BDSM relationship, the cornerstone of D/s relationships. Go into the submissive twats group, you can’t swing a dead cat without hitting five threads cryin’ about how some dumb cunt trusted some guy (or rarely, some girl) they knew for maybe three months with ___________ (choose from finances, sexual health, mental health, physical safety, sensitive information, picture/video/explicit emails, children, pets, potted plants) and that ebil ebil asshole (or rarely, ebil ebil cuntmuppet of a bitch) totally fucked them over. It ends up always being the D’s fault, and never the s’s fault, because, well, they trusted the D, and the D is mentally damaged for not treating that trust like it is the fucking Holy Grail of modern-day relationships.

I have a huge problem with this scenario. Actually I have a few huge problems.

  • These deficient dimwits trust someone they have known for less than a tenth of their lives with something hugely important. Or even more deranged, something that shouldn’t be a near strangers job to handle. Oh, mental illness is a great one for this. “I have BPD and let my Owner of two weeks start weaning me off of my meds (He says they are suppressing my true personality and impeding my profound submission) and now my whole life has fallen apart and He won’t return my calls.” Can you spot the really wrong things in that scenario? They force the formation of intimacy and trust, practically throwing it at any D-type that stops moving for a minute, and then wail when it turns out wrong, never admitting that it is their own fucking haste that lets them down each time, not the passer-by D.
  • They don’t value their trust worth shit. Yeah, yeah, they’ll tell anyone dead or alive that their trust is a fucking gift, that it is gold-plated and diamond encrusted, but they will lob it like a fuckin’ radioactive grenade the minute someone asks if they are interested in fucking. Look, if you are going to hand that shit out like dented cans at a dollar store, you know it isn’t worth anything, or you’d hoard it up, selectively dole it out, evaluate the recipient and seriously reflect on whether the trust is earned.
  • The most lol-worthy of this group of morons are the whiners who insist that they have no responsibility for who they lend trust to, and therefore are innocent of all breaches of said trust. They will like to quote stupid phrases like “The heart wants what the heart wants” or “I was so taken by the rush I couldn’t believe what was happening until much too late”. They read too many Harlequin novels and should be avoided at all costs unless one needs an amusing diversion.

Here’s how I do trust in this relationship: I trust N to a point. My trust comes with with certain restrictions. The biggest one is that He’s human. Humans make mistakes, are not infallible, and have been known to occasionally do things without assessing the risks correctly. So I give Him my trust, knowing that He will invariably fuck up from time to time. Because I have not placed Him in a nice ivory tower, His falls from grace don’t damage the trust placed in Him nearly as badly as those who chuck the whole package at the first guy to respond to their Fet profile.

I trust N to do what He will to get what He wants. I trust that He will hurt me sometimes, physically and mentally, and that He will help me put the pieces back together if He breaks me too much. I trust that He will be selfish, do the opposite of what I expect Him to do, fuck me over for amusement, hold me when I freak out, make me love Him when I want to hit Him.

I feel fairly safe trusting Him with all of that because we have brushed up against hell, had each others backs for years. I have seen Him under pressure, I have tested His mettle, poked and prodded at His brain, and I determined He’s a trustworthy man. He continues to prove that time after time.

Is our O/p relationship built on trust? I don’t think so. I would say it’s built on respect,I’d say yes, but not in the same way most people expect. Our O/p relationship is built on our trust in ourselves to pick a worthy and respectful partner to hitch up with. Trust in my ability to assess His character and abilities, respect, fear, and love.

Of course, YMMV.



Poly As I Know It

So I had a long post written about the intricacies of poly as N and I want, and just deleted it all for this more concise point:

If three or more people agree to live if in an arrangement they all consent to, what business is it of anyone else to question, disparage or mock?

Whatzit Tooya?

In a thread I was on FL, we had this exact thing going on. Some troll feels that because the poly community (according to him) is 90% mentally damaged people, poly is basically a man having his cake and eating someone else’s too. He’s claimed that the men who say their s-types are required to stay monogamous to them are dickless wonders, unable to keep it in their pants nor tolerate the possible slight to their ego if their partner wanted another man.

And the women in this scenario are damaged broads with an inability to say no, who would do anything including feigning bisexuality and asking for emotional masochism to keep their “man”.

I don’t dispute that scenario. What I do dispute is that this behavior is relegated to the kink community. I’ve seen numerous vanilla couples doing the same, and I don’t my new troll-friend calling out the vanilla community for not recognizing how stupid they are.

Hasn't he ever watched an episode of "I fell in love with your sister!" ?

He also wouldn’t accept that there are women who can commit to being monogamous to a poly partner while being mentally stable and happy. These people don’t exist in his world, I guess.

Triangle relationships like the one N and I desire don’t fit into the troll’s equation, so he writes them off as minimal and conveniently bypasses them.

Unless we start requiring competency tests to allow people to engage in any kink, I think it is disingenuous to claim that poly shouldn’t be practiced because only mentally damaged people are doing it to fill a blighted hole in their pysche. If we start claiming that, we might as well bar people from doing S&M of any sort, because lots of people do so for less than stellar mental health reasons. Also, let’s get rid of religion, because many people use it to fill their voids and twist it to fuel and justify their irrational behavior. Fuck, get rid of politics too.

Poster child for mental illness being an allowable platform to run from.

Or we can just accept that people have a right to consent to whatever they want (barring a certifiable grave mental illness) and your objection that everyone in said group of consenting adults doesn’t have the right to do said actions because they aren’t doing it for the right reasons amounts to as much as piss in the wind.

Why is it that the smug monogamous people are the ones that ended up killing most poly threads, anyhow?

Money isn’t Everything. (04-12-2010)

i’ve  seen a disturbing trend amongst the BDSM “community” regarding a Dominant’s financial status and his ability to be a Dominant.

This is bullshit.

i mean, what the hell. i would think a guy’s employment would be a bigger indicator of his mental state than his fucking paycheck. Is he in a stable job? Has he had it for a while? Is it fairly consistent, with the ability to move forward? Is he good at it?

In the current state of the economy, i would think it very unfair to judge someone by the size of the bank account. VERY. Who can expect to be fired? To have their job sent to Saalami in Pakistan? That 3 months of savings experts tell you to have on hand doesn’t go nearly as far as it should, especially when the average span of unemployment is longer than 6 months.

Why does it bother me, to see this grave error in judgment? Because it discourages everyday working stiffs from feeling like they have anything to learn and contribute to others interested in WIITWD.  People like my Owner, who was laid off for 6 months and we spent through the little savings we had. Now we are scrimping to get by, struggling to find our footing in the rushing river of life. This doesn’t mean He is a bad Owner, He isn’t disqualified because life happened. It isn’t as easy as checking the zeros behind the bank account balance and writing a guy off as bad D material because there aren’t as many as you think there should be. Look at the bigger picture, like i mentioned above. Bad things happen to good people. Illness, unexpected job loss, personal tragedy…look at the person, not the numbers.

It seems like the public scene puts an emphasis on physical trappings of dominance and less on the actual person. Why do people automatically assume that the guy stalking around with 5 tools tied to his leather belt on his leather pants wearing the leather cap have more going on mentally than the guy watching amused at the leather-clad buffoon, wearing normal clothing and carrying nothing more than the leash of his girl? When did equipment become an acceptable substitute for brains and integrity? What happened to prizing knowledge?

What the hell happened to common sense?

What is a “community”? Or “How we are socially inept” (10-04-2010)

On FetLife, I often hear that we, as kinksters, are automatically entered into a community. As such, I am supposed to hold up and adhere to these random vague “ideals” to properly represent this community. Failure for D/O/M-types to connect and mingle in the local scene is often used as a red flag. Failure for the s-type is often used as a sign of either snobbishness or flakiness.

Sounds great, but N and I have never been the type of people to congregate and socially mingle. We both have a small group of friends that mostly intersects. We rely on each other for social fulfillment. It’s been that way for most of our relationship. Because of the intimate, inter-connected nature of our relationship, it really makes for little that needs to be met in other people.

It is because of my lack of social conditioning (and His) that we feel no need to mingle with other kinksters. Yes, we identify within a “kink” relationship, but it doesn’t define us…we define it. It doesn’t occur to me to feel more connected to a group of strangers just because they also like to tie each other up and whack each other. Nor do I feel a kinship with other slaves simply based off of the fact that they are on the short side of the slash.

This disinterest in socializing with others is often interpreted as being fake, ashamed, imperious, or “hiding something”.

Instead of asking about it, or even giving us the benefit of the doubt, it often assumed that we think we are too good for the local communities, or that we are fake and He’s really just a 48-year old in His mom’s basement, posting this in-between SecondLife sessions and picking at His ass-acne.

Or maybe, just maybe, we don’t make friends easily, don’t have a whole lot of time to go out and drink with people we don’t know, and we are, by nature, introverts who find social functions to be strange situations we are often unfamiliar in.

That, and we haven’t really identified a need in either of us to connect with others beyond the occasional e-mail.

The community is not the be-all end-all of kinkdom. It is useless as a barometer of a person’s kink credentials. And by adamantly pushing for everyone to link arms with their kink brothers and sisters, many people are going to retreat back into their homes and familiar social circles. We aren’t in the closet, but we ain’t dancing in the streets, either. 🙂

Signed, a socially inept introvert who’s happy not being a part of the kink community. 🙂