The Scene

Two lovers, laying in bed, spooning. Room is pitch black, but if you could see there would be thin white traces of tears already spent traced down the sides of their faces. Voices are husky with emotion and exhaustion. Pain and love are nearly palpable in the air.

Her whispering: I love you.

Him: I love you too, dear. Very much so.

Her whispering: I’m sorry.

Him: I know you are. And I am so very sorry that we are here. But if you can believe that we are the one thing that will hold together longer than anything else, this will pass.

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We are on the final leg of the journey back to the land of the living. He’s helping me swallow the irrational desire for vengeance and reciprocated pain, shown me that He is dedicated to us, and He has been more reasonable and understanding than any other person I have ever known. Many times my lashing out, a protection meant to shield my aching and terrified self, was aimed at Him only because He was there, not because He earned it, and yet He stayed by me, soothed me, deflected the anger and anguish with consistent love and devotion.

He has said that as much as I worship Him, He worships that I  give Him all of my service and devotion.

He has said that our foundation is unable to be breached, and as long as I have faith in that, nothing can do damage to us. I may be hurt (never on purpose, but shit happens and we are all just human), but it will never be permanent, it will never ruin us. If I can learn to believe that we will only grow stronger and closer through hardships, through unrest, through pain, then those things won’t hurt me as much, won’t linger, won’t cause festering sores on my psyche. When you live in a concrete house, what’s a little rain?

I want to believe. So desperately.

I need to believe.

How do you take that step out over the abyss, even when everyone tells you the safety net is only four feet from the drop, but your heart is screaming you’ll fall to your death?

Just one step.

I can do this. I can do this for Him.

I will do this for me.

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He had an analogy that is aimed to explain why I need never worry that my one limit on Him will convince Him that He deserves someone better.

“It’s like I love storms…I find them exciting. So I go onto my property and do a raindance, to bring the storms. Only, I got a tornado instead, and it tore up my property bad. So I go about fixing it back up, not selling it. And I don’t do another raindance, because the risk of another tornado isn’t worth the little excitement of a storm.”

Kaya once wrote that having a limit, designed specifically to protect herself from her willingness to destroy herself to give her Owner something He desired,  made her feel like a failure, like she was less worthy of a Man who would set aside His desires to protect her.

I didn’t understand then. It seemed fairly logical that an Owner could define what He deems to acceptable risk, and who is the property to say He isn’t doing it right?

I understand now.

I am not failure, even if I can’t give Him that thunderstorm He finds exciting.

I am not an impediment to His happiness.

I am worth being cherished and loved.

I am worth being protected.

I am worthy of being His most prized property.

It does not make an Owner “less than” to realize that just because you can wrap your Ferrari around a tree doesn’t make it the smartest thing to do. In fact, it can definitely make you a damned irresponsible car Owner, and few people will want you driving their cars when they see how callous you treat your car.

“Because I can” should not automatically mean “Then I will”.

Helter Skelter

Assessment:

  • Cracks found in the foundation mortar.
  • Some pieces of foundation mortar missing.
  • Load-bearing structures not properly supported.
  • Poor communication of maintenance crew led to some disrepair.

Correction:

  • Fill in cracks with stronger adhesive.
  • Re-patch the missing mortar with stronger type made for higher pressures.
  • Revamp the support structures to accept the load more safely.
  • Streamline the communication process and engage more in “active maintenance” than “later repair”.

Outlook: Highly favorable, nearly guaranteed to succeed. Foundation will be completely sound once again after the repairs are finished.

Effort Required: Heavy. Unfavorable conditions, harsh requirements to ensure a good repair. Will require consistent worker support and assistance.

Reunited

Today we pick N up from the airport around 5 pm. This day is dragging. :/

It has been a week since I have seen Him, and while I have enjoyed nearly all of it (the exception of getting lost on the Boston subway comes to mind) I have acutely missed Him. Talking on the phone is not enough…I fall asleep lonely, wake up only to remember that He isn’t here to talk about my silly dreams, isn’t here to help me calm down when I’m feeling restless and anxious over how different everything is. The beautiful flowers on the table, the collar ’round my neck, the Njoy…while these things keep me mindful of Him, they are not Him.

Absence does make my heart grow fonder. I miss Him, and the only thing that will soothe the ache is running to Him on the concourse and burying my face in His chest, breathing the scent of my Owner and feeling complete for the first time in a week.

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4:57 Eastern time: N’s flight has been delayed by nearly two hours. I’m anxious, as the weather is due to become unpleasant tonight. Near tears contemplating having to spend another night apart. This property is not meant to be away from her Owner so long.

Having A Blast

I have been in Boston visiting my heartsister Abbie since Saturday. I’ve had a blast, been very busy and neglecting the blog. I’d say I’m sorry, but I’m not!

Tonight Abbie and her fiancee are taking me out for my birthday, and N sent me flowers, which really touched me as we are a half country apart.

Very busy days ahead…will post when things wrap up!