Slow Processor

No, I am not an AMD Athlon.

People who have argued with me or debated with me will know that I am exceptionally good with rapid-fire arguing. When particularly impassioned I can rail off a line of questioning that would make Jack McCoy proud. Given the chance, and if I am pissed, I will blast my opponent with questions, over and over, until they either start arguing back with equal to increased ferocity or knuckle under and give me what I want.

Unless it is N. I am forbidden from doing this with Him, and if I inadvertently try He shuts me down and sends me away.

This habit does not make me a fun friend if you have done something that wounded me. It does not make me a good person for mediation and reconciling. I know that, and I have made peace with that.

With that in mind, I will share another facet of living with me that will make you scratch your head. When I was named, they should have named me Mary, because I am quite contrary.

When I have a momentous event happen in my life, I react immediately with what I know and feel. If my first emotion and my first thoughts are anger and hurt, I will react accordingly and lash out. If it is surprise and humor, I will laugh and feel at ease. As time has gone on, I will revisit the event and process my feelings and thoughts further, often discovering another layer below the initial flare. Sometimes my impressions will go through three or four evolutions before I have fully examined and absorbed an event’s effects.

Because of my initial flare of feelings and reaction, people think I have accepted the event and I am done with it. That I may express differing emotions a few days afterwards surprises them, but they usually roll with it, let me talk it out and feel my way through it, they are understanding of my need for a sounding board and occasional guide.

What they don’t understand is that if the event was very intense, traumatic, or painful, I won’t go back to process it right away. I will put it away for weeks (or even months) until I have sufficient resiliency to withstand revisiting it. Sometimes it may take me a few years to fully understand what happened, what I did, what I felt, and how to incorporate it into my self. Each time I reassess these points, I put it away again for awhile. Processing painful or scary events takes a lot out of a person.

Unfortunately, each time I go to revisit and further process an event, there are less and less people willing to listen to me, because they feel I am lingering, dragging on the drama, playing the victim card. I start to feel vulnerable and attacked, so those events never fully get processed. Instead they take up little corners of my mind, like craft projects never finished, little pieces scattered here and there in the middle of use. And once in a while, I’ll step on a sharp piece and become absolutely pissed that it was left out to begin with, not finished and neatly put away like I would prefer.

I’m at that point right now. I have this craft that I am wanting to revise and process further, but I can’t from lack of supplies and tools. So I’m stuck with this pile of craft parts, and each time I walk by it in my brain, I just scowl and stick my tongue out.

I don’t know if anyone else is a slow processor like me.This might just be a part that was permanently transformed by my abuse. Or maybe I’m still rather screwed up cognitively, but I just don’t know it because it doesn’t come up as a conversation.

So if anyone out there is reading this and saying “Yep, I do that too” or “Well, I used to do that but then I …” I would really appreciate hearing from you. Advice and suggestions are welcomed, because I don’t want to be a burden on my family and friends much longer.

In Other News: Everything is going well here. I’ve been fucked a few times, and those injections of sanity have cleared my funk up. I’m still tired and I still occasionally dream about flying to Boston by myself to stay at a hotel on the beach, but hey, it beats wanting to burn down the barn for entertainment.