shamelessly stolen from FetLife
The Ten Commandments of Kink
1) All activity must be safe (we do not cause true harm), sane (we only engage in activity when we are clear of mind), and consensual.
2) We must always be respectful of our partner’s safe word (red/yellow/green) and their hard limits.
3) We only enter into activities after we have gained trust, education, and an open mind.
4) We must always be polite and ask questions.
5) We must not touch other people’s equipment without permission.
6) We must always be clean, hygienic, and mindful of our own equipment.
7) We must always be mindful of aftercare.
8) We do not engage in humiliating and degrading scenes for solely our own amusement.
9) We always protect each others anonymity from the harsh eyes of the vanilla world.
10) Most importantly, we do not forget to have a good time.
I get the reasons behind why something like this is often penned. Really, I do. I just think it happens to be a colossal waste of time, and an easy way into deluding newcomers and oldsters alike that they know the right way to “do” kink. And it just isn’t.
First point: The overusage of the word “must”. “Must” shouldn’t be in there at all. In all of the human world, must cannot come into the equation when we start taking individuals into account. Such as “we must always respect safewords.” Yeah, until a slave is not afforded one by said slave’s owner. For someone to declare they know better than said O/s couple when enough is enough because they read a commandment list on the internet…that’s a little bit of fucked up right there.
I object to this constant whitewashing of kink to better appeal to the masses. Honestly, I blame NCSF and Jay Wiseman’s clique for a large part of this problem. What some of us do is dangerous. It can be dark, mean, terrifying, emotional, and ass-clenching. Some people like to enter into a situation in which they can’t get out. If I give consent to N to have His way with me and He decides we are going to use a equine speculum in my ass, you’re damn right I am going to be begging and screaming and trying to crawl away until I’m bound and gagged. Again, for some white-knighter to come and “save” me from the very thing I have searched for and finally found, would piss both N and I off muchly. And to have my preferences deemed “wrong” because it makes the “community” look dangerous and mean is such utter bullshit. Let’s just sacrifice a few people on the fringe of things for wider appeal, and sell our souls in the process, right? What could possibly be wrong with sanitizing an entire sub-culture that was initially formed to embrace and relish our alternative lifestyles?
“We do not engage in humiliating and degrading scenes for solely our own amusement.” So who’s amusement are we supposed to be doing it for? The other day N trussed me up and fucked my cunt. Half way through He pulled out and spread my pussy lips wide, then clucked in disapproval. “Lookit that. Wider than the damned Grand Canyon,” He admonished me. My cheeks flared and I teared up in embarrassment and shame, even as my cunt squelched with pussy juice. Were we not supposed to engage in humiliation because there was no audience to amuse with it? Why on earth should two people in a serious relationship *not* do things to amuse themselves?!
Also, I don’t get this hate on alcohol and play, or light partaking of weed and play. N and I do not smoke up, but we have very good friends who do, and I wouldn’t hesitate in the slightest to bend over her knee after she’s had a joint. There is no reason taking the edge off is absolutely, no discussions about it *bad*. Having a drink before playing will not kill anyone. Having a case, well, I don’t recommend that at all. But really, if the person supposed to be topping you can’t tell when enough has been enough, do you want them topping you sober, either? I’d rather see someone who has the smarts and self-awareness to be able to responsibly drink coming at me with a flogger than someone who has limit issues and “fixes” it by teetotalling.
I guess what I would like to leave my readers with is the idea that Ten Commandments of Kink is a cutesy, pablum idea, but ultimately, it doesn’t actually achieve anything. It doesn’t teach newcomers the thing they need the most of: critical thinking skills. It alienates chunks of the “society” even as it brain-numbs the new people.
If I could say anything to the new people, it would be watch, listen, think. Think for yourselves. Sure, listen to the advice and experiences everyone will offer you…and then decide if it is right for you. Do not accept someone’s MUST NOT DO list without critically deconstructing it. If you and your bitch (of any gender) do your research and decide you want to play around with humiliation, degradation, non-consent, or anything like that, do your research again, seriously think about it post-orgasm, and then embark. Just because you are new does not mean you lost your brains. Just because they are “experienced” means they know anything more than how to say some cool buzzwords and parade around in ill-fitting leather. You are the best arbitrator for what is right for you…don’t ever forget that.
And when some self-righteous busybody who has stupid Anais Nin quotes on her profile comes to lecture you about how what you are doing is wrong and dangerous and against the goals of the greater kink community, and that she hopes you die in a ditch completely alone, just remember: you are the best person to judge if your decisions are working for you. If you chose your Owner well and your head hasn’t fallen off yet, tell that busybody to get stuffed, because obviously she doesn’t have enough dick in her life.
Cheers to your enjoyment of what it is that you do. 🙂