Ten Commandments of Kink

shamelessly stolen from FetLife

The Ten Commandments of Kink

1) All activity must be safe (we do not cause true harm), sane (we only engage in activity when we are clear of mind), and consensual.
2) We must always be respectful of our partner’s safe word (red/yellow/green) and their hard limits.
3) We only enter into activities after we have gained trust, education, and an open mind.
4) We must always be polite and ask questions.
5) We must not touch other people’s equipment without permission.
6) We must always be clean, hygienic, and mindful of our own equipment.
7) We must always be mindful of aftercare.
8) We do not engage in humiliating and degrading scenes for solely our own amusement.
9) We always protect each others anonymity from the harsh eyes of the vanilla world.
10) Most importantly, we do not forget to have a good time.

I get the reasons behind why something like this is often penned. Really, I do. I just think it happens to be a colossal waste of time, and an easy way into deluding newcomers and oldsters alike that they know the right way to “do” kink. And it just isn’t.

First point: The overusage of the word “must”. “Must” shouldn’t be in there at all. In all of the human world, must cannot come into the equation when we start taking individuals into account. Such as “we must always respect safewords.” Yeah, until a slave is not afforded one by said slave’s owner. For someone to declare they know better than said O/s couple when enough is enough because they read a commandment list on the internet…that’s a little bit of fucked up right there.

I object to this constant whitewashing of kink to better appeal to the masses. Honestly, I blame NCSF and Jay Wiseman’s clique for a large part of this problem. What some of us do is dangerous. It can be dark, mean, terrifying, emotional, and ass-clenching. Some people like to enter into a situation in which they can’t get out. If I give consent to N to have His way with me and He decides we are going to use a equine speculum in my ass, you’re damn right I am going to be begging and screaming and trying to crawl away until I’m bound and gagged. Again, for some white-knighter to come and “save” me from the very thing I have searched for and finally found, would piss both N and I off muchly. And to have my preferences deemed “wrong” because it makes the “community” look dangerous and mean is such utter bullshit. Let’s just sacrifice a few people on the fringe of things for wider appeal, and sell our souls in the process, right? What could possibly be wrong with sanitizing an entire sub-culture that was initially formed to embrace and relish our alternative lifestyles?

“We do not engage in humiliating and degrading scenes for solely our own amusement.” So who’s amusement are we supposed to be doing it for? The other day N trussed me up and fucked my cunt. Half way through He pulled out and spread my pussy lips wide, then clucked in disapproval. “Lookit that. Wider than the damned Grand Canyon,” He admonished me. My cheeks flared and I teared up in embarrassment and shame, even as my cunt squelched with pussy juice. Were we not supposed to engage in humiliation because there was no audience to amuse with it? Why on earth should two people in a serious relationship *not* do things to amuse themselves?!

Also, I don’t get this hate on alcohol and play, or light partaking of weed and play. N and I do not smoke up, but we have very good friends who do, and I wouldn’t hesitate in the slightest to bend over her knee after she’s had a joint. There is no reason taking the edge off is absolutely, no discussions about it *bad*. Having a drink before playing will not kill anyone. Having a case, well, I don’t recommend that at all. But really, if the person supposed to be topping you can’t tell when enough has been enough, do you want them topping you sober, either? I’d rather see someone who has the smarts and self-awareness to be able to responsibly drink coming at me with a flogger than someone who has limit issues and “fixes” it by teetotalling.

I guess what I would like to leave my readers with is the idea that Ten Commandments of Kink is a cutesy, pablum idea, but ultimately, it doesn’t actually achieve anything. It doesn’t teach newcomers the thing they need the most of: critical thinking skills. It alienates chunks of the “society” even as it brain-numbs the new people.

If I could say anything to the new people, it would be watch, listen, think. Think for yourselves. Sure, listen to the advice and experiences everyone will offer you…and then decide if it is right for you. Do not accept someone’s MUST NOT DO list without critically deconstructing it. If you and your bitch (of any gender) do your research and decide you want to play around with humiliation, degradation, non-consent, or anything like that, do your research again, seriously think about it post-orgasm, and then embark. Just because you are new does not mean you lost your brains. Just because they are “experienced” means they know anything more than how to say some cool buzzwords and parade around in ill-fitting leather. You are the best arbitrator for what is right for you…don’t ever forget that.

And when some self-righteous busybody who has stupid Anais Nin quotes on her profile comes to lecture you about how what you are doing is wrong and dangerous and against the goals of the greater kink community, and that she hopes you die in a ditch completely alone, just remember: you are the best person to judge if your decisions are working for you. If you chose your Owner well and your head hasn’t fallen off yet, tell that busybody to get stuffed, because obviously she doesn’t have enough dick in her life.

Cheers to your enjoyment of what it is that you do. 🙂

10 thoughts on “Ten Commandments of Kink

  1. Cheers to you too! I’m totally into all that humiliation, degradation (for amusement), non consent shit, I mean, fun times.

    • I guess the challenge lies in the insistence that everyone uses ongoing consent, which is completely understandable in scene relationships or consideration periods. But for long term O/p relationships that are built on the one-time consent, demanding that the participants kneel to the almighty knowledge of the NCSF is bordering on ludicrous.

  2. Commandments like those can make life difficult as an O/p couple. Of course it may just be that we are the only openly O/p couple in the community, but Daddy and I get a lot of “You can’t do that” and “That’s not right” from established members and newbies alike.

    • It does. I don’t think NCSF and similar groups realize that in so stridently pushing the constant consent paradigm, they alienate the groups of people they say they feel are at the most risk for abuse. To me, marginalizing a group of people to achieve social acceptance is a hypocritical stance with a high price to pay.

  3. I agree with the sentiment here. Obviously above all else common sense is paramount in any social relationship and given that and a respectable cache of experience, any human being can make good decent decisions FOR THEMSELVES. Unfortunately, common sense is a rare commodity even in the most mundane social situations which is why there are rules put out there such as: “no shirt, no shoes, no service” or “don’t drink and drive”. You would think that the normal human adult sitting behind a several thousand pound vehicle would intrinsically know being sloshed out of their mind is a bad idea. The humanity however has proven that the common denominator does not have that much sense. So a bunch of people generally get together and make rules to control the less intelligent/self aware. Are there people out there who can drive better than the average person after having had a case of beer? Yes. I knew one. Does that person have to put up with the law being quoted at him? Yes. Does he have to like it? No. In this case, like it or not he has to abide by the law. In our cases and kink, we don’t have to abide by these laws because we have the experience and the self knowledge now and no one will throw us in jail for dually consensual play. However, honestly, I am ok with the common denominator out there holding fast to these rules. It means there are less idiots running around maiming people who imagined they were willing at the time and giving the community a truly bad name. It means that the wanna-be doms out there aren’t stupidly damaging someone emotionally because they humiliate another should-have-known-better newbie for the dom’s sole amusement instead of their collective… stimulation. Sure, it’s silly to think we are required to amuse everyone out there. But it’s good to let some people know that both people have to be in on it for it to be “ok”.
    I do remember being a newbie and the rules helped me then. They made basic sense and gave me a general guide line to start out with. I think of them as training wheels and pads and helmet to kink and as you get better and gain confidence you can choose to discard them. And when it comes to the special cases in community throwing red flags in my face, I remember a friend that after graduating med school joined docs without borders and subsequently spent a couple months with mouth agape at how wrong they were doing it. Being a smart cookie, she adapted and realized that the circumstances called for those methods.
    So let’s forgive the flag throwers their naivety, pat them on the head and go on with our business. 🙂

  4. I think this is a very tricky area. On the one hand, I agree that all-encompassing rules and holier-than-thou cattiness are obnoxious. On the other hand, as DarkEyes says, guidelines can help make our community safer. We should acknowledge that there is a lot of overlap between kink and abuse. There are people who disguise their abuse as kink, and I suspect that a sizable percentage of abusers are/were people with kinky impulses who were given power by society (i.e., men over women, adults over children, cops over civilians) and didn’t have a framework for consensual kink, or just didn’t have the morality to give a shit. I think that if society continues to become more accepting of sexuality in general and kink in particular (and gets past bad examples like 50 Shades of Shit), the potential for abuse will be lessened.

    Given the fine line between some abuse and some kink, I think community policing is important and justifiable; the problem is in how it’s carried out. Guidelines like SSC, RACK, and even those 10 Commandments are useful because they give us a basic framework. Anything that falls within the framework is OK, but things that fall outside it SHOULD raise red flags because they mark a POTENTIALLY abusive situation. Here’s where the problem lies: the internet makes it easy to judge people from afar, and instead of trying to determine whether the situation is actually abusive or not, some people make snap judgments and try to force the “rule-breakers” back into the framework. It may come from a good place (or not), but usually, all it accomplishes is creating more tension and drama in the community. Like we need any more.

    In my ideal world, the rule-keepers would relax and realize that hard-and-fast rules are never going to work for every person and situation, community policing would be expressed through concern rather than accusation, and the word of the people on the ground, i.e. the “rule-breakers” and their friends, would count for something. We should make a little badge you could put on your FetLife page: “My partner and I and the people who know us best and have seen our dynamic in action verify that this is not abuse, so STFU.”

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s