Figured out what all those words in the title have in common? No?
Go work on it for a few more minutes. I’ll wait. Here’s a hint:
Alright, here’s the barebones: those words are all synonyms for trust. A fun subject to navelgaze about.
Trust is often touted as the bedrock of any BDSM relationship, the cornerstone of D/s relationships. Go into the submissive twats group, you can’t swing a dead cat without hitting five threads cryin’ about how some dumb cunt trusted some guy (or rarely, some girl) they knew for maybe three months with ___________ (choose from finances, sexual health, mental health, physical safety, sensitive information, picture/video/explicit emails, children, pets, potted plants) and that ebil ebil asshole (or rarely, ebil ebil cuntmuppet of a bitch) totally fucked them over. It ends up always being the D’s fault, and never the s’s fault, because, well, they trusted the D, and the D is mentally damaged for not treating that trust like it is the fucking Holy Grail of modern-day relationships.
I have a huge problem with this scenario. Actually I have a few huge problems.
- These deficient dimwits trust someone they have known for less than a tenth of their lives with something hugely important. Or even more deranged, something that shouldn’t be a near strangers job to handle. Oh, mental illness is a great one for this. “I have BPD and let my Owner of two weeks start weaning me off of my meds (He says they are suppressing my true personality and impeding my profound submission) and now my whole life has fallen apart and He won’t return my calls.” Can you spot the really wrong things in that scenario? They force the formation of intimacy and trust, practically throwing it at any D-type that stops moving for a minute, and then wail when it turns out wrong, never admitting that it is their own fucking haste that lets them down each time, not the passer-by D.
- They don’t value their trust worth shit. Yeah, yeah, they’ll tell anyone dead or alive that their trust is a fucking gift, that it is gold-plated and diamond encrusted, but they will lob it like a fuckin’ radioactive grenade the minute someone asks if they are interested in fucking. Look, if you are going to hand that shit out like dented cans at a dollar store, you know it isn’t worth anything, or you’d hoard it up, selectively dole it out, evaluate the recipient and seriously reflect on whether the trust is earned.
- The most lol-worthy of this group of morons are the whiners who insist that they have no responsibility for who they lend trust to, and therefore are innocent of all breaches of said trust. They will like to quote stupid phrases like “The heart wants what the heart wants” or “I was so taken by the rush I couldn’t believe what was happening until much too late”. They read too many Harlequin novels and should be avoided at all costs unless one needs an amusing diversion.
Here’s how I do trust in this relationship: I trust N to a point. My trust comes with with certain restrictions. The biggest one is that He’s human. Humans make mistakes, are not infallible, and have been known to occasionally do things without assessing the risks correctly. So I give Him my trust, knowing that He will invariably fuck up from time to time. Because I have not placed Him in a nice ivory tower, His falls from grace don’t damage the trust placed in Him nearly as badly as those who chuck the whole package at the first guy to respond to their Fet profile.
I trust N to do what He will to get what He wants. I trust that He will hurt me sometimes, physically and mentally, and that He will help me put the pieces back together if He breaks me too much. I trust that He will be selfish, do the opposite of what I expect Him to do, fuck me over for amusement, hold me when I freak out, make me love Him when I want to hit Him.
I feel fairly safe trusting Him with all of that because we have brushed up against hell, had each others backs for years. I have seen Him under pressure, I have tested His mettle, poked and prodded at His brain, and I determined He’s a trustworthy man. He continues to prove that time after time.
Is our O/p relationship built on trust?
I don’t think so. I would say it’s built on respect,I’d say yes, but not in the same way most people expect. Our O/p relationship is built on our trust in ourselves to pick a worthy and respectful partner to hitch up with. Trust in my ability to assess His character and abilities, respect, fear, and love.
Of course, YMMV.