I’m not going to lie, I have been thinking of this post for almost two weeks. It is kaya inspired, after she and I had a nice little e-chat and discussed friendships, being socially challenged, and the joys of having a very small friends circle.
I’ll start with my premise: M/s is NOT conducive to many (or most) friendships. There are a couple of reasons that I will go into, but in all its stark reality, I have found, and so has kaya, that M/s is not conducive to most friendships.
First reason: I don’t own me, so I don’t have anything I can pledge to a relationship. All of me is already devoted and immersed in the Owner of this relationship, and it is at His whim that I can go out with the girls, sit and have an hour long catch-up session, or even have the time to write a letter. If He feels He is getting the short end of the stick elsewhere in my life, He’ll take whatever time is left, leaving me rather slight on the “things I can offer my friends” list.
Second: My M-type is a lot less likely to let people use or take advantage of His property, including me. I built most of my previous friendships on the idea that I sacrifice for them, they overlook the glaring flaws I like to call character. Need a ride everywhere? Sure. Promise to be at a specific place at a specific time, and then blow me off? Okay. Decide to betray me and blame me for it? Damn that hurts, but let us let bygones be bygones, right? Not with N at the wheel. It isn’t that He specifically says “Ditch the using piece of shit” but more indirectly gives me the confidence and belief that I am worth more than that. I don’t have to bribe my friends to be my friends, and I don’t have to constantly give give give to keep them. I also don’t have to accept bad/crazy/angry behavior in the name of friendship.
Third: Most of the people I called friends before N and I skipped merrily down the rabbit hole didn’t last long after I knelt to Him. Why? Because they either couldn’t respect that my life wasn’t my own anymore, or they actively hated having to vie for control with, and losing it to, N. They couldn’t understand why I sometimes had to poof off of IM, or had to call and ask to go out for a drink or shopping, why I wouldn’t buy anything without permission. They worked on degrading the amount of control N had over me, and this was wrong on many levels, including not respecting my wishes, believing they knew better than I what was good for me, and hating the dynamic because it disrupted their own hold over me
This doesn’t mean I don’t have friends now. I do, a few select friends that have been cultivated over much time and effort, like beautiful bonzais. These are people who can see that I have flourished under N’s thumb, who love me enough to let me be me, to respect the dynamic that N and I exist through, and accept that I have nothing to offer freely except that which N grants me. For this, I love them more than ever, and I will go as far as I ever can to be there for them.
One of the huge benefits I have with N as my Owner is that I have someone who will validate a healthy friendship for me, confirm that yes, that is how a reciprocal relationship is, or no, most people would not ask/demand/beg for whatever. When I have had a friend blow up and freak out for reasons I didn’t fully understand, I had N to turn and ask why. When someone begins to pull away for reasons I can’t see or understand, I had N to examine the events with and reach out to the friend involved to fix what had gone wrong. He helps me understand and involve myself with good people and good relationships because I’m shit at it left on my own.
So I might not be the best material for BFF status. I am surely going to hell for the amount of email I forget to send, calls I forget to make, and thoughts I forget to finish. But my friends know I love them dearly, they know that N thinks highly of them if they are still friends with me, and I know I am worth good friends. Even if life can be lonely from time to time. 🙂
ETA: Another facet to this issue is N’s been playing with His Jedi Mind Tricks again, and my tolerance and understanding of stupidity, irrationality and hysterics are no longer where they used to be. I strongly believe stupid should hurt, and the best thing we could ever do for irrational hysterical idiots is slap them, hard, sometimes repeatedly, until they stfu and listen to someone with sense. Because most of the women in my area tend to retain the catty, psycho behaviors that worked so well in high school, we get along fine until they start that shit up, and then its just a cool breeze ’cause I hauled ass outta there. N don’t suffer no fools lightly, and neither do I, apparently. Puts a large kink in most female-to-female friendships for me.