Observations on M/s and Friends

I’m not going to lie, I have been thinking of this post for almost two weeks. It is kaya inspired, after she and I had a nice little e-chat and discussed friendships, being socially challenged, and the joys of having a very small friends circle.

I’ll start with my premise: M/s is NOT conducive to many (or most) friendships. There are a couple of reasons that I will go into, but in all its stark reality, I have found, and so has kaya, that M/s is not conducive to most friendships.

First reason: I don’t own me, so I don’t have anything I can pledge to a relationship. All of me is already devoted and immersed in the Owner of this relationship, and it is at His whim that I can go out with the girls, sit and have an hour long catch-up session, or even have the time to write a letter. If He feels He is getting the short end of the stick elsewhere in my life, He’ll take whatever time is left, leaving me rather slight on the “things I can offer my friends” list.

Second: My M-type is a lot less likely to let people use or take advantage of His property, including me. I built most of my previous friendships on the idea that I sacrifice for them, they overlook the glaring flaws I like to call character. Need a ride everywhere? Sure. Promise to be at a specific place at a specific time, and then blow me off? Okay. Decide to betray me and blame me for it? Damn that hurts, but let us let bygones be bygones, right? Not with N at the wheel. It isn’t that He specifically says “Ditch the using piece of shit” but more indirectly gives me the confidence and belief that I am worth more than that. I don’t have to bribe my friends to be my friends, and I don’t have to constantly give give give to keep them. I also don’t have to accept bad/crazy/angry behavior in the name of friendship.

Third: Most of the people I called friends before N and I skipped merrily down the rabbit hole didn’t last long after I knelt to Him. Why? Because they either couldn’t respect that my life wasn’t my own anymore, or they actively hated having to vie for control with, and losing it to, N. They couldn’t understand why I sometimes had to poof off of IM, or had to call and ask to go out for a drink or shopping, why I wouldn’t buy anything without permission. They worked on degrading the amount of control N had over me, and this was wrong on many levels, including not respecting my wishes, believing they knew better than I what was good for me, and hating the dynamic because it disrupted their own hold over me

This doesn’t mean I don’t have friends now. I do, a few select friends that have been cultivated over much time and effort, like beautiful bonzais. These are people who can see that I have flourished under N’s thumb, who love me enough to let me be me, to respect the dynamic that N and I exist through, and accept that I have nothing to offer freely except that which N grants me. For this, I love them more than ever, and I will go as far as I ever can to be there for them.

One of the huge benefits I have with N as my Owner is that I have someone who will validate a healthy friendship for me, confirm that yes, that is how a reciprocal relationship is, or no, most people would not ask/demand/beg for whatever. When I have had a friend blow up and freak out for reasons I didn’t fully understand, I had N to turn and ask why. When someone begins to pull away for reasons I can’t see or understand, I had N to examine the events with and reach out to the friend involved to fix what had gone wrong. He helps me understand and involve myself with good people and good relationships because I’m shit at it left on my own.

So I might not be the best material for BFF status. I am surely going to hell for the amount of email I forget to send, calls I forget to make, and thoughts I forget to finish. But my friends know I love them dearly, they know that N thinks highly of them if they are still friends with me, and I know I am worth good friends. Even if life can be lonely from time to time. 🙂


ETA: Another facet to this issue is N’s been playing with His Jedi Mind Tricks again, and my tolerance and understanding of stupidity, irrationality and hysterics are no longer where they used to be. I strongly believe stupid should hurt, and the best thing we could ever do for irrational hysterical idiots is slap them, hard, sometimes repeatedly, until they stfu and listen to someone with sense. Because most of the women in my area tend to retain the catty, psycho behaviors that worked so well in high school, we get along fine until they start that shit up, and then its just a cool breeze ’cause I hauled ass outta there. N don’t suffer no fools lightly, and neither do I, apparently. Puts a large kink in most female-to-female friendships for me.

11 thoughts on “Observations on M/s and Friends

  1. i can completely relate. Every once in a while i worry that i’ll be lonely when i’m old & grey, but i just don’t think i can cultivate “normal” friendships and be a slave at the same time. i can’t simultaneously be available for His every whim and enslaved to Him while creating relationships apart from Him. Oy, i’m glad He lets me connect to folks online who get it and who are okay with limited (at best) contact.

    • don’t think i can cultivate “normal” friendships and be a slave at the same time.
      Obviously, neither do I, katie, and from the various slaves/property I have spoken to, many others don’t as well. Maybe that Old Slave’s Home *will* come in handy. 🙂

      I have found that one of the best things about FL friendships is the fact that almost everyone understands that it is a limited contact, as you put it.

  2. *like*

    I can definitely relate to that. Being a slightly autistic person (ok, a little more than *slightly*) influences me to not be terribly social anyway, and I tend to have few, but close, friends. These people know that for a number of reasons I may disappear off the face of the earth for a while, but when I come back and feel like being social again, it’s as if no time has elapsed. I like these people because they don’t take it personally when I disappear and we can just pick up where we left off.

    Being with G makes me even less likely to make or keep friends for many of the reasons you’ve mentioned. By the way, I liked your note about teh stoopid at the end… I’ve also noticed I’ve become a lot more intolerant of idiocy and a lot more likely to voice it. I’m more assertive and, dare I say it, abrasive at time. If people’s feelings get hurt, they can blame it on him. Or just cry about it, I don’t really care.

    • @pip: That’s one of the things I like about some of my FL friends the best…I can fade away for awhile, focused on something or tired of being ubersocial, and they don’t hold it against me. In fact, they are happy to hear from me, picking up the thread like neither of us faded out.

      I don’t remember where i heard it, but someone once said “I shouldn’t have to sacrifice myself to make my friends happy.” and it was an epiphany. I shouldn’t have to sacrifice my honesty, integrity and devotion to N to stay friends with someone.

      I always tell N its His fault for making me into a logical and less-reactive person. That’s not what people want in a friend anymore.

  3. Friendship posts must be in the air or something. I was just reflecting on this as well. While M wants me to cultivate close friendships, it is hard, for all the reasons you mentioned.

    Still, I have hope that I will find at least one or two bff’s before all is said and done.

      • I could be entirely, happily contained with just M if we lived together. But until he is freer (that word looks funny) to be with me, I will have lonely spaces to fill. My best friend is Gary. But I’m moving to M’s town soon and it will be a little far to just call Gary up to go out for a bite, you know? (It’s an hour’s drive)

        I find it difficult making close friends because the relationship dynamic we have permeates my life and I want to be able to share that (I have to be able to) with my best friend.

        I’ve dealt with it for five years. I’ve tried to fill lonely time with school. (A double-edged sword too, btw) We’ll see what the future move brings. I did meet a FL person who lives right by M, but she is a little scary, LOL!

  4. my slave/wife Serafina and I have similar experiences . . . the intensity of M/s relationships can be all consuming . . .

    for most of the last decade we were caregivers to my ill Mother, who required enough care we weren’t free ourselves . . . that was very isolating . . . then there is the M/s dynamic itself, as the relationships are intense, and for the uninitiated unexplainable . . .

    when the guys at my office ask me about Christmas plans for Serafina, how do I explain to them that she didn’t get jewelry for Christmas that they’ll see at the office, the heavy steel manacles I’ll lock on her Christmas Eve won’t be removed until after New Year . . . but they aren’t anything my work buddies will ever see or know about , , ,

    best wishes to all,

  5. We have the same problem… we have our Tuesday night friends and even though we enjoy them, there is a part of us that resents having to take time out of our schedule to be with them. Aside from that one has a friend, who knows about us, and the only reason it survives is that she is flat out like a lizard drinking water most of the time. In other words it doesn’t interfere with our relationship. The rest of the friends are all on line and O/p for the simple reason one doesn’t have to make excuses for disappearing at the drop of a hat or being unavailable. As they say, it’s complicated 🙂

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