Life Beyond

A few discussions with some close friends have dragged up some stuff that I thought I had addressed from the upheaval that dominated my life at the end of April. I hadn’t even noticed it, but there were a few gems festering in my psyche, just waiting for the chance to break free from their bonds and run amok in my brain, making me appear to suffer from a case of emotional Tourrette’s.

The biggest one was another run at being abandoned. And it’s sadly hilarious that this would even be an issue for me, because I was so fucking good at denial that for ten years (at least!) I had myself convinced that despite all the indicators for abandonment fears, I was most certainly NOT a member of that large and infamous group of sufferers. Nope, not me. Baggage, yeah, but none about abandonment.

I should have been a politician, because those were some whoppers of lies I told myself all that time.

I am terrified of being replaced in N’s life. When I am confronted with a situation where my typical “job” or duty for Him is done by someone else on a regular basis I feel expendable and aimless, ripe for discarding.

Part of it is a section of self-esteem that hasn’t rose quite as quickly as the rest of it.

Part of it is the esteem I tend to hold Him in.

Part of it is the fatalistic pessimism that runs my life.

And a huge fucking part of it is the self-loathing and self-shame I still carry with me like a can tied to my tail from way back when I was seven.

Despite His assertion that He needs me just as much as I need Him, I can’t help but think someone as wonderful as Him does not deserve to be saddled with me. He’s hot, He’s smart, He’s funny, kind and one of the best people I have ever met. It is hard for me to accept the idea that He considers our relationship together to be on equal par as far as worth and deserving of each other. He deserves so much…and I don’t know if I will ever be enough.

He says I am.

God I just so desperately want to believe, to have the peace of mind a person has when they are secure in the knowledge that they are loved deeply and are worthy of that love…

And the worst thing is having to be on guard, knowing that if I don’t watch myself, I will destroy the very thing I cherish above nearly anything else. It will become a self-fulfilling prophecy because I will break everything apart so I don’t feel the anguish and terror of being left behind again.

Better leaving than being left. At least, in crazy land.

I know it takes time to change such deeply held beliefs. At some point in my life, I will declare myself worthy of love and affection from Him. I will stand up and be able to fully bask in the relationship we have nourished. I will be able to really hear Him when He says forever.

I won’t have hope anymore. I will have sincere conviction.

But it is so hard to have it there just beyond…so close. Like the forty year wait at the edge of Canaan, I can smell the milk and honey. But there are hardships and hard lessons to be learned before I can cross into the promised land of supreme happiness.

And there is a darkly humorous part of me that just has to laugh at the idea of me having to be right that I push the love of my life away, just so I can prove that He was going to leave anyways. See? Sick, dark morbid humor. At least I can still laugh at my stupidity. 😀

3 thoughts on “Life Beyond

  1. Tora, I know how you feel sometimes. I often wonder at the fact that I’m with G and he loves me, and I feel I’m not worthy of him. He’s an incredible man, and he has everything going for him: he’s got a great job, he’s funny and kind and he’s incredibly handsome. He’s what I see as the perfect man. And I know myself. I’m flawed, I’m still struggling to get my life figured out, I have all sorts of mental health issues, and I don’t look great in a bikini right now.

    So, he’s a catch. I’m just me. I can be very insecure sometimes, and like you, sometimes I feel like I don’t deserve this man who is the love of my life. But both of us have put our trust and faith in these men as our owners and masters, probably because we see them as worth looking up to, yes?

    If so, then it’s up to us to trust that they are wise enough to know what they want, and we need to accept that they’ve made decisions they are happy with. They chose us. If I thought G didn’t know what was good for him, I wouldn’t look up to him. So I need to trust that he’s making the right decision with taking me on. You should do the same with N. He loves you, he chose you, and you need to accept that he’s made the right decision.

    It is sometimes unbelievable to me that I am loved by someone who is so perfect. But I accept it anyway because I respect him– and because he tells me to.

    Have trust that N is capable of choosing well (he CHOSE you!) and you will find peace.

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