Now that i got that pesky warning out of the way, onto the subject matter for today.
i have been in a vicious headspace the past few days. Looking back, i would almost venture to say a week. i’ve been restless, snappish, tired and irritable. i’ve had completely random thoughts of deliberate disobedience pop into mind. i’ve (barely) bit back harsh names and ill-tempered insults hurled in His general direction. Seeing my weight shoot into the stratosphere hasn’t helped the mood. Seriously, i gained 10 pounds in one week.
i’m sure everyone else has already put the clues together, but i was at a loss as to why i felt this way. During my few lucid moments, i would look back at the day and wonder what the hell was wrong with me. i wanted to be a slave to this Man, so why was Him telling me to do the dishes leading to me sitting on my hands to not reach out and throttle Him? When i wasn’t suppressing the urge to scream at the top of my lungs and lunge for His throat, i was berating myself for being such a shitty slave. Two-fer special, ya dig.
Of course, in classic N style, His answer was to withdraw. Guaranteed to make me go from mildly pissed to homicidal in no time flat. If i start to come unraveled, He refuses to engage me. If i am unable to catch myself in time, i’ll totally come apart. Uncunted, in a horrible fashion. He’ll just ignore it, refuse to acknowledge the behavior, deny my urgings to engage on any kind of level with me. Once i’ve finally exhausted myself, lathered and heaving in a mental sense, He’ll saunter into my head and say “Done?” i know the outcome every time, but i still get absolutely furious when He does it. Could it be done some other way? i dunno. i’m not the one in charge of finding out, and i am not sure if He does it this way because He’s too fucking lazy to figure out a more effective tactic or He really thinks this will get us somewhere.
i had gone through the trouble of writing a blow-by-blow account of the argument that ensued after i came home and got ready for bed. Then i deleted it. It doesn’t really matter, honestly. i can sum it up for you pretty damn easily:
Tipsy, PMS-‘ing slave comes home and gets ready to crawl into bed, Owner starts acting like a passive-aggressive whiner (excuse me, Whiner), lectures said slave about something slave doesn’t really give a flying fuck about, Owner kills the buzz the slave was enjoying, slave lashes out at Owner, who’s smug “neener-neener” attitude digs at her more than Glenn Beck, Owner doesn’t really answer any of the retaliatory questions slave has, both go to bed irritated and suppressing the urge to smother the other.
Last night, i said to my friend that we were both too fucking stubborn to leave. i’m pretty sure i was right. i also said that one of us would end up dead before the relationship ended. i’m pretty sure i was right about that, too.
The fact that He didn’t reach over and smack the shit out of me is either a testament to His patience or a sign of apathy. The fact that i didn’t beat the fuck out of Him is either a sign of my devotion to Him or my immense stupidity. i haven’t figured out which one it was for either of us yet.
i foresee a tense regrouping in my future. Battle lines are being drawn, walls are being buttressed. i can feel that stupidity in me, multiplying, crowding out the logical thoughts, urging a coup, wanting to wage war. My teeth are gritted, muscles clenched with stress, desperately working to overcome this uprising in my head. i don’t know if i will win.
i read a saying the other day on FetLife that resonated with me: every Master gets exactly the slave he deserves. i’m going to try and keep that in mind as i work so frantically to quell these thoughts. Because, if the dam should break and i finally lose it, i won’t stand alone in the rubble and shoulder all the responsibility myself. Nuh-uh. There have been warning signs of impending collapse. Shots across the bow. Statements of intent. If The Man doesn’t deign to assist me in keeping my shit together, doesn’t see a need to reinforce the dynamic as He wants it, well, then:
Every Master gets exactly the slave he deserves.