What is a “community”? Or “How we are socially inept” (10-04-2010)

On FetLife, I often hear that we, as kinksters, are automatically entered into a community. As such, I am supposed to hold up and adhere to these random vague “ideals” to properly represent this community. Failure for D/O/M-types to connect and mingle in the local scene is often used as a red flag. Failure for the s-type is often used as a sign of either snobbishness or flakiness.

Sounds great, but N and I have never been the type of people to congregate and socially mingle. We both have a small group of friends that mostly intersects. We rely on each other for social fulfillment. It’s been that way for most of our relationship. Because of the intimate, inter-connected nature of our relationship, it really makes for little that needs to be met in other people.

It is because of my lack of social conditioning (and His) that we feel no need to mingle with other kinksters. Yes, we identify within a “kink” relationship, but it doesn’t define us…we define it. It doesn’t occur to me to feel more connected to a group of strangers just because they also like to tie each other up and whack each other. Nor do I feel a kinship with other slaves simply based off of the fact that they are on the short side of the slash.

This disinterest in socializing with others is often interpreted as being fake, ashamed, imperious, or “hiding something”.

Instead of asking about it, or even giving us the benefit of the doubt, it often assumed that we think we are too good for the local communities, or that we are fake and He’s really just a 48-year old in His mom’s basement, posting this in-between SecondLife sessions and picking at His ass-acne.

Or maybe, just maybe, we don’t make friends easily, don’t have a whole lot of time to go out and drink with people we don’t know, and we are, by nature, introverts who find social functions to be strange situations we are often unfamiliar in.

That, and we haven’t really identified a need in either of us to connect with others beyond the occasional e-mail.

The community is not the be-all end-all of kinkdom. It is useless as a barometer of a person’s kink credentials. And by adamantly pushing for everyone to link arms with their kink brothers and sisters, many people are going to retreat back into their homes and familiar social circles. We aren’t in the closet, but we ain’t dancing in the streets, either. 🙂

Signed, a socially inept introvert who’s happy not being a part of the kink community. 🙂

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