He thinks of me much more than I realize. And He sees a lot more of my emotional turmoil than I give Him credit for.
Last night we were discussing O/p theology while showering. It had spun off of an entry I was trying to puzzle out for Insatiable Desire, about active ownership, whether it was a phase, a personality flaw or something I was doomed/destined to repeat. In fleshing this out, we discussed the various nuclear meltdowns I suffered over the past year, all tied in one way or another from my perceived abandonment of the O/p by Him. Out of the blue He hit me with this gem that made me stop and reasses Him on a whole new level:
“You freak out because you assume that each time I get lazy or have to withdraw from the O/p I’m never coming back to it.”
I never thought He was interested in discovering the whats and whys regarding my breakdowns. He’s normally a results-orientated kinda guy, less concerned with why I’m doing something and more concerned that I am doing it and in His parameters. So when He saw right through me like that, in a manner that I hadn’t even addressed yet, (hell, I hadn’t even fully formed the idea that I was afraid of abandonment until maybe a month ago) totally brought me up short.
Now I find myself wondering what else He’s grokked on me without letting me know. How far ahead of me is He? And a little bit of me wonders if He doesn’t laugh at me when I running around chasing my tail, totally freaked out and clueless as to why, and He knows exactly what my problem is and enjoys watching me lose a year or two of my life panicking over the sky falling in. But an Owner would never do such a thing, would they? *snickers*
Oddly enough, I find this kinda comforting. It’s nice to know He isn’t as oblivious to my inner workings as I initially believed. There was just no reason for Him to let me on that He isn’t clueless. I believe it probably gives Him an edge in keeping me in place when I get uppity.
I haz a warm fuzzy, because He never stops leaving me surprised and at least one step behind.